Harry Potter Bites Back!
by Diricawl
Summary: What would the characters of HP think of fan fiction? Well, now you can find out. As we write it, they dream it, leaving us with some very mentally scarred teenagers—and some professors, too.
1. Part One: The Gryffindors

A/N: I am so, so, so sorry. I don't know what came over me, but I had to do it. This is a conversation that the Harry Potter world has about fan fiction (which is their dreams in their world, ie, they dream what we write. You'll see.) I mean no offense to anyone, including the remarks made in regards to slash. I'm simply making fun of the fandom in general. Don't take it personally. I even make fun of some of the things I do.

Harry Potter Bites Back!

Part One: The Gryffindors

Harry Potter woke with a scream that woke everyone in his dorm. Slowly and sleepily, all the boys pulled back the curtains around their four-poster beds and peered out. They all looked at Harry expectantly, who was wearing a very horrified look on his face.

"What was it this time, Harry?" Ron asked with a yawn. He had dark circles under his eyes as though he hadn't been getting much sleep either.

Harry shuddered. "Love triangle. You, me, and Professor Snape."

"Eeww," said all the others collectively.

"It's getting worse," Harry moaned. "I can't take much more of it."

Ron patted him on the back. "C'mon, Harry, you know that's just the fandom, it's not real. People make up the strangest things about me. I can't even tell you how often I've been in situations I'd rather not be in with Malfoy."

"Eeww," they all said again.

"Yeah, but at least you get a lot of good ones too," Seamus pointed out. "I'm either gay and involved with Dean," Dean face contorted into a look of disgust, "or with Lavender, or your sister."

"Don't remind me," Ron said grumpily. "I have nightmares about my sister and Malfoy. Honestly, he's the fandom broomstick—everyone's had a ride."

"Besides Harry," Neville piped up, "you're the hero, something good always happens to you."

"Except when I'm killed off after some horrible battle with Voldemort," Harry commented. "It's amazing that I actually have time to fight Voldemort, considering how much time I spend lusting after either Hermione or Malfoy."

"Hey," Ron exclaimed, "I'm dead more often than you are so that you can get together with Hermione! Don't let me get started on how much that bothers me."

"At least the two of you are used a lot," Dean said. "I'm either gay or ignored. And who came up with the idea that I'm artistic? One lousy banner in first year and I'm an artist."

They had gotten out of bed now and were sitting in a circle on the floor holding the conversation in whispers.

"I'm even more ignored than you are, Dean," Neville said, somewhat sadly. "No one ever uses me."

"Have you ever noticed that we never seem to go to class—in the ones where we're still in Hogwarts, I mean," Seamus said.

"Nah, we're too busy snogging girls in broom closets—or each other," Ron said.

They stared at each other again. 

"Eeeww," they all said.

"I'm disturbed by the ones that take place after Hogwarts," Ron whispered. "I hope to Merlin that I don't actually end up like that."

"Come on, Ron," Harry said, punching him in a friendly way (if there is such a thing...). "In half of those things you're married to Hermione. I'm usually foisted off on Ginny, or some random female."

"But when I'm not with Hermione I'm either dead, a horrible prat, or married to Lavender to get me out of the way." Ron shuddered. "No thanks, she's your territory, Seamus."

"Not if I'm gay," Seamus replied moodily. The other boys stared at him in disbelief and he added hastily. "I'm not!"

"Of course not," a voice said soothingly.

The door to their dormitory opened at that moment to reveal Fred and George wearing identical smirks.

"Can't sleep, children?" Fred asked in a sickeningly–sweet voice.

"You know bloody well why we can't sleep," Ron said irritably. "You aren't immune to it. I know some of the things that happen to you."

George took a seat on the floor. "Oh? Care to enlighten us?"

Ron brightened slightly. "Certainly. Fred, you're nearly always with Angelina—"

"Can't say I mind that," Fred said with a smile as he also took a seat on the floor.

"Unless you're with George," Ron finished. The twins exchanged a disgusted glance.

"You mean the ones with twincest?" George asked calmly. "Yeah, we know. I've woken up quite a few times from that one, thank you very much. I seem to be bisexual. I can either be gay or with Alicia, Katie, or sometimes Hermione. No thank you, I don't date my brother's girlfriend."

He looked pointedly at Ron who turned red and muttered, "She gets more action than Malfoy."

Fred looked at George thoughtfully. "I haven't had one with you or me and Malfoy yet, George."

"Me either, thankfully it seems there are limits."

The door creaked open and this time it was Colin Creevey who poked his head around the door.

"I couldn't sleep and I heard voices," he squeaked. "Can I come in?"

"You too, Colin?" Harry asked curiously. "What happened to you?"

"I seduced Blaise Zabini and turned out to be a followed of You–Know–Who," he mumbled.

Everyone moved away from him and he flushed. "I'm not!"

"Yeah, there's a lot of that 'not' stuff going around," Fred said wisely. "So you did seduce Zabini?"

Colin's eyes widened in horror. "No! She's a Slytherin, and she's older than me!"

"Actually, do we know that she's a 'she'?" Dean asked suddenly. "That seems to be the most in debate. No one knows if Blaise Zabini is male or female. It's sort of like a grab-bag, just close your eyes and pick."

"She was a she in mine!" Colin blurted out, lest anyone accuse him of seducing a male Slytherin.

"There seems to be a shortage of girls in Hogwarts. Any idea who this Mary Sue is who keeps popping up?" Ron asked.

"Hey, Harry," Lee Jordan said, as he entered the room, "wasn't there one where you and Malfoy switched bodies?"

Harry grimaced. "That seems to be a favorite; it's my most reoccurring dream. I think if I have to wear leather trousers one more time in my dreams, I'm going to just rip them off. I don't know how Malfoy does it, they chafe." Realizing what he just said, he turned red.

"Why does Malfoy always get to wear the leather trousers anyway?" Seamus complained. "I want to wear the leather."

"Just be thankful you're not involved with Snape," Harry said. "I think I'm permanently scarred after those. I'm usually still in school, too! Now every time I go to Potions I get the feeling he's trying to see through my robes."

"I'm never with Snape," Ron said smugly. "I like the ones where Fleur and Hermione are fighting over me."

"I've never had one of those," Dean said enviously.

"Of course not, you're not in those, they're private. But Fleur's generally reserved for Bill." He scowled.

"Yeah, Bill's the lucky one," George said. "He's either a swinging bachelor, like Charlie, or with Fleur. He's never gay."

"And have you ever noticed that we seem to always have balls, every year after the last? Why?" Lee asked.

"It's a plot device," Neville said, surprising them all. "An easy way to match us up with the girls. Well, you anyway," he said gloomily.

"Cheer up, Neville," Fred said cheerily. "Least used means fewer nightmares. Besides, sometimes you get Ginny."

"One date in fourth year does not constitute a relationship," Neville said stubbornly.

"So?" Harry said. "Our real lives mean nothing to these people. Has anything happened to date that makes you think I should sleep with Pansy Parkinson?"

"No," the boys chorused.

"Exactly. Look, this was fun, but let's try and get some sleep. I'm better now, I promised. I'll probably have a nice Cho dream after this."

And that was the end of the discussion.

~*~

Over in the girls dormitory, though, it was a different story...

~*~

Hermione was shaking something awful, and had buried her face in Crookshanks fur. Hearing her sobs from the next bed, Lavender got up and walked to Hermione's side.

"Hermione, are you all right?" Suddenly Lavender realized what was probably the matter. "Oh, another one. What was it this time?"

Hermione lifted her head and smiled through her tears. "Me and Professor Lupin."

"Yuck," Lavender said, making a face. "He's so old!"

"I went back in time," Hermione clarified. "To when he was our age. But it was so strange, because I knew he was going to be my teacher when he got older. And I saw Harry's parents. Lily was just like me."

Parvati joined in. "Creepy, dreaming about the dead. And the future Professors." She giggled.

Hermione made a face. "Ugh, I had one last night about being seduced by Snape in the dungeons. I'll never be able to look at boomslang skin the same way again."

"Well, still, you get Ron and Harry all the time in yours, Hermione," Lavender pointed out. "Actually, you get every male person connected to Hogwarts. Including Seamus."

She looked as if she thought it was scandalous that Hermione snogged her boyfriend in her dreams.

"But I don't want to 'get' Ron or Harry," Hermione complained. "We're just friends!"

"I wouldn't mind more dreams where I'm with Harry," Parvati said dreamily. "Those are wonderful." Then she made a face. "I had one where I was married to Neville."

Lavender started giggling and Hermione stifled a smile. 

"Name anyone, or anything, male and I've had a dream about him and me," Hermione said with a sigh. "No one will leave me alone."

"They only want you to be happy, Hermione," Parvati said. "And they think you can't be happy without a boyfriend."

"Besides, you're the most developed of the three of us—" 

Hermione looked down at her chest in confusion before realizing that wasn't what Lavender meant by 'developed'. 

"I'm either with Seamus or Ron, or ignored altogether," Lavender said with a sigh.

"At least you get a choice," Parvati pouted. "I'm always excluded unless they need a new Divination Professor."

The door to the fifth year girls dormitory opened and Angelina, Katie, and Alicia entered.

"Hello," Angelina said. "We've come to join you because apparently there are only six girls in all of Gryffindor."

"Seven," said a voice from the doorway. It was Ginny. "You forgot me."

"That's hard to do," Alicia said. "Considering that you and Hermione get the most to do in your dreams."

Ginny nodded sadly. "And no one can seem to agree on my personality. Am I bold and outgoing? Or am I shy and meek, the way I've been for the past fourteen years?"

"Still, you either get to be with Harry or Draco Malfoy," Lavender said dreamily. "I envy you."

"Don't," Ginny said firmly. "Too much angst when I'm involved with Malfoy, and usually his father is trying to kill me. And Harry, well, he's a lost cause."

"At least the two of you," Katie indicated to Ginny and Hermione, "have many adventures and love interests. Angie is at least usually involved with Fred, but Alicia and I are generally left out."

"I'd rather be left out than in a relationship with my own cat," Hermione replied.

"Eeewww," said the other girls.

"I've been in relationships with my own brothers," Ginny said, shuddering. "I had to see a therapist after that nightmare."

Hermione shuddered as well. "I've had some bizarre dreams, but there have been good ones. I just wish that I wasn't paired with so many people, some of whom are twice my age!"

"You're the main female," Angelina said sensibly. "Ostensibly, you're the heroine. It's only natural that you play the female lead in most of these dreams. What I'd like to know, why are there so many about Oliver Wood? The man was a Quidditch Tyrant!"

"You're no better, Angie," Alicia giggled. "And Oliver is good–looking, admit it."

"I will not!" Angelina cried. "Oliver is gay!"

All the girls burst into hysterical laughter, and Angelina flushed, having not meant to say that so loud.

"I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, but it's awkward to think someone who prefers members of the male gender is attractive," she said flustered.

"Why?" Ginny asked, breathless from laughter. "I can say it. Oliver Wood is gorgeous. So what if he's gay? He can still be hot."

Angelina buried her face in her hands. "I didn't mean it like that, honestly. Let's change the topic."

"Okay," Hermione said, getting into the spirit of the discussion, now that she knew everyone had these dreams. "Why does homosexuality run rampant through our dreams?"

"Repressed sexual desires?" Katie suggested.

The other girls gave her an odd look but she just laughed. 

"What, do you think that no one in the world is homosexual? It's perfectly natural."

"But, Katie, we're only teenagers," Hermione pointed out, "and I don't know many people who were secure enough in there sexuality to 'come out' in their teenage years. Besides, it seems as though everyone in school has been homosexual in at least one dream!"

"I haven't," Alicia said. "But that's because I'm either with George or ignored. And, Hermione, many of our dreams take place once we've graduated from Hogwarts."

"That's true," Hermione conceded. "Still, there is an awful lot of it, isn't there?"

"So long as it isn't smut, I don't mind," Ginny said with a shrug. The other girls stared at her in amazement. "What? It's two people falling in love, what's wrong with that? Besides, I don't have many dreams like that, so the occasional one doesn't bother me."

"How come we never seem to play Quidditch? There are never any Quidditch matches in our dreams, and once we're out of Hogwarts only Ron or Harry can get a career playing professional Quidditch. Why not me?" Angelina asked grumpily. "Ron's not even on the team!"

"Hey, wasn't there one where Hermione was caught in a love triangle?" Parvati asked.

"Love square is more like it," Hermione replied glumly. "It's the easiest way to get me with three boys at once." Realizing what she just said, she shook her head. "Alright, I'm fine now, let's go back to bed."

Angelina, Katie, Alicia, and Ginny returned to their own dormitories and Hermione, Lavender, and Parvati climbed back into their beds. They were soon asleep.

A/N: Bizarre, I know. Okay, next chapter, the Hufflepuffs. Probably much shorter than this one. Then Ravenclaws, Slytherins, and the Teachers. That ought to cover it.


	2. Part Two: The Hufflepuffs

A/N: Sorry this took so long, but it was hard to come up with enough for the Hufflepuffs. Ravenclaw and Slytherin should be better. Then the teachers, hm, that should be good. Keep reviewing!

Harry Potter Bites Back!

Part 2: The Hufflepuffs

Ernie MacMillan walked into the Hufflepuff common room to find his best friend Justin Finch-Fletchly staring morosely into the fireplace. 

"What's the matter, Justin?" Ernie asked.

"The whole world thinks I'm gay," Justin answered gloomily. 

Ernie was concerned. Justin never shut up usually; something must really be wrong if he was acting so depressed.

"Why do you say that, mate?" Ernie asked, trying to keep his tone light.

"It's my hyphenated last name. And because I thought Lockheart was brilliant. Second year, Harry, Ron, Hermione, in the green house-"

"With the garden hose," Ernie joked. Justin didn't crack a smile and Ernie tried another approach.

"What are you going on about? No one thinks you're gay."

Justin nodded. "Do so. You can't tell me you haven't had one of _those_ dreams."

Ernie was confused. "What dreams? I've had a few where I showed up to Transifiguration stark naked, but I don't know what you mean."

Justin gaped at him. "You mean it? You've never had one of those dreams where you're in someone's story and they just do whatever they want with you?"

Ernie frowned, thinking. "Not that I remember, but it sounds rather nice if you ask me."

Justin shook his head. "It's not. It's not nice at all."

"What's not nice?"

Hannah Abbot and Susan Bones had just come into the common room. They took seats on the fluffy yellow sofa on either side of Justin.

"Those dreams," Justin replied with a shudder. Hannah gasped and Susan clasped a hand to her mouth.

"You've had them too?" Ernie asked. "Why haven't I?"

"Be grateful," Hannah replied, shivering slightly. "Ooh, they're horrible!" She looked like she was about to cry. "Poor Cedric!"

Ernie was taken aback. "Cedric? What about him?"

"These people put him in their stories!" Susan cried. "Can't they leave him in peace?"

Ernie scratched his head. "Okay, go over this with me once more. You dream about yourselves, and Cedric."

The others nodded.

"Okay, well, what's so bad about that?"

Justin groaned. "I'm gay, I'm just gay!"

Hannah sobbed. "Poor Cedric!"

Susan made a face. "I'm evil."

Now Ernie was really confused. "Don't you ever have nice dreams?"

They thought about it. 

"I've had one or two where I was involved with Harry Potter," Hannah said thoughtfully.

"No," Susan answered. "I'm just evil."

"I'm gay," Justin replied. "Always."

"Wasn't there one where you-no wait, that was Cedric…" Hannah trailed off.

Ernie shrugged. "I think you're all barking mad. Mass hysteria, that's what it is. And I'm going to bed."

He started down the corridor to his dormitory. He heard a cry.

"But I'm gay!"

Ernie just rolled his eyes and kept going. 

Back in front of the fire place, Hannah put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Susan gave him a hug.

"We don't think you're gay, Justin," Hannah said comfortingly.

"Really?" he asked, hopeful.

"Sure," Susan replied. 

"Then either of you would go out with me?" he asked.

Both girls made a face. 

"What are you mad?" Hannah asked. "Come on, Susan, maybe now we'll dream about Draco Malfoy!"

Both girls ran off giggling to their room, leaving Justin gaping after them. He stared into the fire again.

"Everyone thinks I'm gay!" he wailed.


End file.
